Sometimes I wonder how complex it is, to be me. I think about my childhood, my upbringing and the quiet personal decsions I took to become what I am. Its hard to look back and know that there is no one you can blame, but yerself. But from this loneliness of knowing, creeps the many-headed dragon called ‘Ego’. Ego drives, Ego makes you rich, famous and even sexy. You can have the world at yer feet…you can even seduce yer neighbour’s grandma. But Ego soon invites its many friends, and you will have Pride, Prejudice and Arrogance knocking at yer doors even before you can shriek from yer first orgasm. Together, these fine elements of the human conciousness will make sure that you go places - after all, this world is a perfect petri dish for all kinds of experiments with the Seven Sins.

I would like to get into what happens when you don’t have something called Ego. Surely, many, including me, have been confused about where being Egoless stops and where being Underconfident starts. We have all jerked off thinking about the cute next door neighbour, but how many of us (i am not limiting this to guys) have had what it takes to go up to her and ask her out. What does it take to do that? Ego? Confidence?

How many times have we seen image-concious guys with neatly gelled hair go up to gals and open their big mouths hoping to impress them? And how many times have seen these dames actually fall for such crap? How many times have seen pretty gals hang around with totally crass looking fatsos - just because they drive big cars and drop big names? Is that confusing? Are we just glad that we aren’t the guys in question here? But haven’t we wished at some point that we can have one of those pretty lasses around us?

One thing I have learnt in this existence of mine is that we are living in times where we need to be selective. We need to know what to say ‘no’ to, and how to get people to say ‘yes’. But this is an understanding that has dawned to me from living my own ups and downs. I have no clue how to pass this knowledge to my children (not that I am worrying about it). I don’t know how to tell them to live for honour and yet be humble. What am I saying….humble?? Baahh…I don’t think I can cross my heart and say that I ride through traffic everyday wishing everyone else peace and joy. The best I can do is hire a chauffeur and let him do all the swearing, cursing and negotiating while I sit on my high seat and finish deals on my laptop, the one that contains enough toxins to make an entire generation of poor ragpickers somewhere go impotent.

Is there anyway I can make it out of here without being a hypocrite? Hell, why would i even wanna think of myself as one? All my deeds can be justifed in this theater of sin. But that is not how I wish it to be. I want to go beyond all this normality of decadence. And that is why i am questioning everything.

The point is, just as my elder’s didnt understand enough of this world to tell me how to face it, I am not sure how I can pass on my understanding of it to my kids. In effect, they will go through a journey of discovering things for themsleves…feeling lonely in the end. And god forbid, they will have to deal with their own demons. Ego and his friends.

Peace